Dear Our Boy Troy,

So I had a crush on a boy I worked with.  I thought he was a real, genuine guy.  He paid a lot of attention to me, and was always flirty.  One day he started having all these raging, crazy parties and started hooking up with random girls.  I thought he liked me, why would he do this?

I can’t be completely sure why he did this, and neither is he, most likely.  Guys around our age tend to have the attention span of a 5 year old so that could have something to do with it.

Also, if he really did like you, which he very well may have, did you make it obvious that you liked him back?  If not, not that its morally advisable, he may have decided to fold and just get attention elsewhere.

Guys and girls use this excuse a lot when it comes to cheating; however there is no excuse for such behavior, ever.  This situation is obviously different because you two were not dating (not that there wasn’t some sort of understood commitment that was broken) , so in a modern sense of morality he wasn’t doing anything wrong.  Although, what he did bothered you, If he really had some kind of connection with you, then he should have cared how he was affecting you with his behavior, meaning he would basically be aware that he was doing something inappropriate.

Personally I don’t find “hooking up with random girls” to be a desirable trait in a person. The minute someone is hurt the whole thing falls apart from a moral standpoint.  Also, were you at these raging parties?  Or did you get your information from another source?  Be careful with hearsay as it can be extremely unreliable.  It could be possible that he was doing something close to what you described, but don’t let your mind wander too far.

Then again, maybe it’s worse than you heard or think, who knows?  I know who knows…He does… have you tried bringing this to his attention?  See what he has to say about the situation.  Once again, I’m not condoning his promiscuous activity, but I can see what his motives may have been for him acting out this way.  He most likely didn’t know that you liked him, because even if he didn’t like you back, if he was as real and genuine as he seemed, then he at least would have cared that he was hurting your feelings.

It sounds to me like a case a peer pressure and guys our age being unfortunately immature about relationships.  My advice for now would be to bring it up to him and see what he has to say.  If he is in fact genuine he will most likely beat himself up and apologize about the whole situation.  If not, then at least you know he’s not worth your time.  The point is, we all make mistakes, go through phases and certainly do things we regret.  The real judge of character is whether we grow and learn from ourselves.

Good guys are rare, if he is a good guy, maybe give it another shot.  If he can’t convince you of this, then I suppose there are more fish in the sea.  But who really cares about the douchey fish?  My advice to you for the future is to be more up front about your feelings.  Guys can be dense; sometimes you have to slap them in the face with information like you being interested in him.  I’m interested to see how this turns out.

Troy

Dear Troy,

Not a week after a boy broke up,  he had sex with another girl at a party.  Sex. I was shocked.  But slowly I forgave him and we started seeing each other again.  We stayed in limbo where its not officially dating, but you understand that you and that guy are together.  Then, at a party, about five months later, he got drunk and had sex with her again.  This time we ended things for good.  I know he never technically cheated on me, but I felt humiliated that other people knew that he clearly cared so little for me.  I’m not upset about being broken up, but I’m worried about something else… Does his reputation and the way he treated me reflect on me and will it affect how other guys treat me in the future?

His decisions and actions shouldn’t really reflect on your personality.  The only way I could see someone judging you based on this situation is if they assumed that since he cheated on you and you got back together with him, that future boyfriends could do the same thing.  I hope that you would try to find a guy that would treat you better than he did; however sometimes you can never really tell at first.

My advice would be to be more careful about the guys that you pick to date in the future.  Be sure that if you have a commitment with someone, you trust that they will not break it.  If a guy cheats on you in the future I suggest that you not give him another chance, regardless of how genuine he seems.  It takes an extreme lack of moral judgment to cheat on someone, and I wouldn’t be too quick to forgive anyone of this.  I suppose there are instances where things could be worked out in these types of situations, but usually its just better to move on and find someone else who is better morally suited for you.

Troy

Dear Troy,

Why do girls always fall for jerks?  Even when they realize that the guys are jerks they continue to stick it out. Why is this?

I don’t know!  You tell me.  I’ve already mentioned that guys are jerks because girls conditioned them to be this way.  I’m not sure what causes your kind to fall for these jerks though.  Maybe you feel the urge to fix them, or maybe you only see the good qualities at first, I can’t be completely sure, but I am extremely interested to find the answer.  If we can figure out why girls fall for jerks then we can maybe put a stop to this circle off madness that ultimately creates dysfunctional relationships.

My advice is to cut it out, and tell your friends to do the same.  We need to stop this at the root of the problem.  The minute you realize the person you’re falling for is a jerk, let them know how you feel, and tell them to change or you won’t ever really be happy.  If they refuse to change, then you shouldn’t be with them, it’s that simple.  Like I said, there’s good fish out there.  Keep looking, maybe you’ll catch one!

Troy

Dear Troy,

Why do guys think girls are so confusing? I think we’re pretty simple. I don’t get it.

Do you think guys are confusing?  I don’t.  Girls and guys are living with two different paradigms on most everything.  That’s why we think you’re confusing.  Guys like straight forward information.  We like to hear things like: “I like you,”  “I would like this for Christmas,”  “I would like to eat at McDonalds,” “Yes, I’m upset that you left the seat up again.” Instead we hear: “I think you’re the perfect guy,” “You don’t have to get me anything for Christmas,” “I don’t care where we eat,” and “Never mind.”  Guys are simple thinkers: a + b = c.  Whenever we’re dealing with girls there seems to be all these others variables shoved into the equation even though in our eyes it could still be solved with aforementioned equation.  The best advice I can give you is to be completely honest.  Guys generally hate playing relationship games.  Tell us what’s on your mind; don’t make us guess.  Because you make us guess, you make us think you’re confusing.  Chances are we will never understand you, and you will never understand why.  We should both just learn to live with it.

-Troy-

Dear Troy,

Do guys just seriously think about sex all the time?

Yes.  It’s how we were made.  That doesn’t mean that all of us always act selfishly on those thoughts.  Just make sure you’re paying attention to whether or not a guy is interested in you in ways other than his animal instincts.  Just because it’s very often in our thoughts, it’s not always what we actually care about.  There’s a difference between always thinking about sex and only caring about sex.

-Troy-

Dear Troy,

How can you tell when a guy is trying too hard? Also, is it a bad thing when guys try to hard? I’m currently talking to this guy who sends me non-stop sweet texts but all my friends say he might just be trying to get in my pants. How can I tell if he’s being genuine?

This is a tricky question because it’s so specific and in the end it really depends on the person.  Most guys who only want to get in your pants won’t waste their time bombarding you with sweet text messages.  If they see a lot of work involved in their quest for sex, they will simply move onto the next random girl.  If anything, a massive amount of texts means that he really likes you, or that he’s clingy (which is a whole different kind of problem).  I truly doubt he’s just trying to get into your pants.  My suggestion is to go out with him somewhere to lunch; talk face to face.  It’s very easy to be someone you’re not, hiding behind technology; however, in person it’s a lot harder to fake your feelings.  Also, if you’re worried about him trying to get into your pants, then don’t allow him to.  My advice is to not put yourself in situations where you don’t have the upper hand until you completely trust the person.  Clearly, no sex until you at least know that’s not all he’s after.

-Troy-

Dear Troy,

I want to give a guy I know likes me and I like him a big Hershey kiss for Christmas and say “For Christmas, I’m giving you a kiss.” Is this a good idea or too corny for the college aged realm? When do some things stop being cute?

Awwwwwww. Honestly it depends on the type of guy he is.  If you both like each other then I’d be willing to bet you could probably answer this question better than I can.  I believe that cute gifts are more desirable than the gift that you get him “just ‘cause.” It will at least make him chuckle, and is much better than getting him a sweater or some bracelet or something.  Some things never stop being cute… just don’t give it to him around his friends.  And since this won’t be published before Christmas, if you chickened out, reuse the idea for Valentine’s Day.

-Troy

p.s. I like your style.

Dear Troy,

Is it okay if a girl asks a guy out or is it a huge turnoff?

Okay? It’s more than okay, It’s encouraged.  It’s a great confidence booster for the guy, especially if he’s the shy type.  My advice is to do it once. The only way it would be a turn off is if he doesn’t like you in the first place or if he’s the prideful sort of guy that would get annoyed by you repeatedly asking him out..  Therefore you’re only doing yourself a favor by asking him out once; you’ll either learn that he doesn’t like you, or will show him a very straight forward sign that you’re interested in him.  A minor warning: ask him at a time and place where his friends are least likely to find out that you’re the one who did the asking; it comes back to the pride issue.  Let’s face it, when it comes to the dating game, your biggest opponents are the sweeping generalizations of his friends (yours too if I had to guess).

-Troy

Dear Troy,

What happened to chivalry? Why don’t guys open doors anymore or stuff like that? Is that so much to ask?

Chivalry?  What’s that?  I’m joking; I share your frustration.  In no way is it too much to ask, and it still exists; you’re just searching in the wrong guys.  I know personally that my friends and I are certainly chivalrous, and I see it elsewhere.  Now the problem here is that chivalrous guys are no longer rewarded for being such.  The kind of guys that are popular among the girls nowadays are known as douchebags.  You know the type:  loves to party, loves to flirt, and loves to mistreat you.  Girls are unfortunately eating up this demographic.  What happened to chivalry?  Girls have conditioned guys to shy away from chivalry, and jump on the bandwagon of way-too-tight polos and arm pumping to bad techno.

-Troy

Dear Troy,

Why are all guys jerks it seems? You’re probably a jerk too. I hate men. What’s wrong with them?

See my comment on the fall of chivalry.  I hope I’m not a jerk; however, I’m a biased judge on that subject.  If you hate men, perhaps you are playing for the wrong team?  It’s rather important that you don’t hate someone before you can learn to like them, or ever hope of moving into a relationship with said person.  What’s wrong with us is that we’re prideful, egotistical at times, usually aren’t aware of something unless it right in front of our faces, potentially insensitive to your needs, we think girls are confusing, we’re confusing, we think about sex all the time, we just want to get into your pants, we lack chivalry, etc… ( or at least that’s what I hear).  If you want to fix us, follow the advice given on this page.  You asked me a general question, and I give you a general answer.  I am so not a jerk.

-Troy

P.S.

A reoccurring theme in this month’s questions is the negative feelings you girls have against us guys.  Guess what, it’s your fault!  Well, not your fault any more than it is mine that the guys you meet aren’t chivalrous.  But honestly, just like I have to spend too much time looking for girls that aren’t into douchebags, you just have to spend the extra time looking for the guys that aren’t douchebags.  The stereotypical college aged girl is ruining it for the rest of you, and the stereotypical, easily conditioned, college aged guy is ruining it for the rest of us.  Please, don’t encourage negative behavior.  Call us out if we’re not being chivalrous; tell us you would like it if we were more gentlemanly.  Eventually maybe we’ll all get the message.  The best thing you can do for yourself is be straightforward and honest with us.  We don’t like to think too hard, remember?

Hope this helps somebody,

-Troy

Want Advice from Troy? Send in your question to ourboytroy.realitycheckgirl@gmail.com