Dear Our Boy Troy,
So I had a crush on a boy I worked with. I thought he was a real, genuine guy. He paid a lot of attention to me, and was always flirty. One day he started having all these raging, crazy parties and started hooking up with random girls. I thought he liked me, why would he do this?
I can’t be completely sure why he did this, and neither is he, most likely. Guys around our age tend to have the attention span of a 5 year old so that could have something to do with it.
Also, if he really did like you, which he very well may have, did you make it obvious that you liked him back? If not, not that its morally advisable, he may have decided to fold and just get attention elsewhere.
Guys and girls use this excuse a lot when it comes to cheating; however there is no excuse for such behavior, ever. This situation is obviously different because you two were not dating (not that there wasn’t some sort of understood commitment that was broken) , so in a modern sense of morality he wasn’t doing anything wrong. Although, what he did bothered you, If he really had some kind of connection with you, then he should have cared how he was affecting you with his behavior, meaning he would basically be aware that he was doing something inappropriate.
Personally I don’t find “hooking up with random girls” to be a desirable trait in a person. The minute someone is hurt the whole thing falls apart from a moral standpoint. Also, were you at these raging parties? Or did you get your information from another source? Be careful with hearsay as it can be extremely unreliable. It could be possible that he was doing something close to what you described, but don’t let your mind wander too far.
Then again, maybe it’s worse than you heard or think, who knows? I know who knows…He does… have you tried bringing this to his attention? See what he has to say about the situation. Once again, I’m not condoning his promiscuous activity, but I can see what his motives may have been for him acting out this way. He most likely didn’t know that you liked him, because even if he didn’t like you back, if he was as real and genuine as he seemed, then he at least would have cared that he was hurting your feelings.
It sounds to me like a case a peer pressure and guys our age being unfortunately immature about relationships. My advice for now would be to bring it up to him and see what he has to say. If he is in fact genuine he will most likely beat himself up and apologize about the whole situation. If not, then at least you know he’s not worth your time. The point is, we all make mistakes, go through phases and certainly do things we regret. The real judge of character is whether we grow and learn from ourselves.
Good guys are rare, if he is a good guy, maybe give it another shot. If he can’t convince you of this, then I suppose there are more fish in the sea. But who really cares about the douchey fish? My advice to you for the future is to be more up front about your feelings. Guys can be dense; sometimes you have to slap them in the face with information like you being interested in him. I’m interested to see how this turns out.
Not a week after a boy broke up, he had sex with another girl at a party. Sex. I was shocked. But slowly I forgave him and we started seeing each other again. We stayed in limbo where its not officially dating, but you understand that you and that guy are together. Then, at a party, about five months later, he got drunk and had sex with her again. This time we ended things for good. I know he never technically cheated on me, but I felt humiliated that other people knew that he clearly cared so little for me. I’m not upset about being broken up, but I’m worried about something else… Does his reputation and the way he treated me reflect on me and will it affect how other guys treat me in the future?
His decisions and actions shouldn’t really reflect on your personality. The only way I could see someone judging you based on this situation is if they assumed that since he cheated on you and you got back together with him, that future boyfriends could do the same thing. I hope that you would try to find a guy that would treat you better than he did; however sometimes you can never really tell at first.
My advice would be to be more careful about the guys that you pick to date in the future. Be sure that if you have a commitment with someone, you trust that they will not break it. If a guy cheats on you in the future I suggest that you not give him another chance, regardless of how genuine he seems. It takes an extreme lack of moral judgment to cheat on someone, and I wouldn’t be too quick to forgive anyone of this. I suppose there are instances where things could be worked out in these types of situations, but usually its just better to move on and find someone else who is better morally suited for you.
Why do girls always fall for jerks? Even when they realize that the guys are jerks they continue to stick it out. Why is this?
I don’t know! You tell me. I’ve already mentioned that guys are jerks because girls conditioned them to be this way. I’m not sure what causes your kind to fall for these jerks though. Maybe you feel the urge to fix them, or maybe you only see the good qualities at first, I can’t be completely sure, but I am extremely interested to find the answer. If we can figure out why girls fall for jerks then we can maybe put a stop to this circle off madness that ultimately creates dysfunctional relationships.
My advice is to cut it out, and tell your friends to do the same. We need to stop this at the root of the problem. The minute you realize the person you’re falling for is a jerk, let them know how you feel, and tell them to change or you won’t ever really be happy. If they refuse to change, then you shouldn’t be with them, it’s that simple. Like I said, there’s good fish out there. Keep looking, maybe you’ll catch one!
Do you prefer to woo or be wooed?
Since when was this ever about me? However, I suppose I can still answer your question. I’m assuming to woo someone would be the same as to court someone, as in pursuing a relationship. There’s no simple way to answer this question.
I suppose I like to woo; to pursue a relationship with a girl by giving her attention and spending time with her. On the other hand, I also like to be wooed. Nothing makes a good day like figuring out that someone is interested in me.
So to be brief, I prefer to woo and be wooed back. I prefer a courting situation where the wooing can be represented by a pong ball in a game of pong (of the Atari variety; I know where your mind went). I will woo you and you will woo me back and we will continue the woofest until we finally decide that there has been an adequate amount of wooage and we can move into some sort of relationship; at least in my utopia.
For all you other girls out there that are more interested in every guys’ opinion on this subject I have this to say: It once again depends on the guy. I apologize for always having to fall back on this reality, but it is just that: a reality.
The shy, quiet type generally prefers to be wooed seeing as how they probably aren’t going to make any moves themselves. It is possible; however, that if you woo first that there is a wooer inside said shy guy (not of the Mario variety; I know where my mind went) just waiting to woo back and sweep you off your feet.
The more confident type prefer to be the dominant wooers, so my advice for dealing with those guys is to make yourself available and let them make the moves, otherwise you might annoy them and/or push them away.
Any guy that is not predominantly shy or confident probably don’t care who woos, and are more in agreement with my pong model. I hope this answers your question and that you enjoyed my conjugations of “to woo” and my use of the verb “to court.” I hope I never refer to that process as courting ever again…
On campus I meet a lot of guys that I find attractive, but it seems to me that we automatically go into the “friends” category. What kinds of behaviors should I look for that tell me a guy is interested and how should I let him know that I’m interested without being too forward in front of his friends?
On any college campus there are going to inevitably be a good amount of attractive people, so this fact does not surprise me. The fact that you automatically go into the friends zone is something I find funny. Not funny in a humorous way, but funny in an ironic way. I see this happen to so many guys, that to find out it is happening to girl is quite surprising.
Girls get put into the friend zone for roughly two reasons: the guy is either spending his energy on some other girl, or he finds the friend zone-e undesirable. One might argue that a girl could get friend zoned because the guy believes their friendship is too important to risk losing. Funny thing is, no matter how often you hear this; it is most likely never true; not if you’re hearing it from guys anyway.
Most guys never think that logically when it comes to relationships; they would rather date someone and risk it than just have a friendship. Now to expand on the idea that you might be undesirable. I’m not saying that you’re unattractive, I’m just saying that for some reason the guy doesn’t desire you.
This could be for any number of reasons: he doesn’t like blondes, he’s not thinking about girls right now, he doesn’t like your laugh, you remind him of his sister, or whatever random reason that you could never plan for. All this is assuming that you are in fact being friend zoned. Chances are you may not be, at least not 100 percent of the time; it’s just unlikely: some guy is bound to at least give you a chance.
First of all, girls seem to view guy-friends than guys seem to view gal-friends. Guys in general will shy away from having gal-friends completely because it’s just not preferable with all the catty stuff you girls like to do. However, when a guy does break the mold and have girls that are also friends they are usually girlfriends of friends or just happen to be in their social group.
I have gal-friends that are inside and outside my social group, so it is possible for this to happen as well. When guys do have girls that are friends they tend to never really let the possibility that they may date at some point leave their mind. Unless you have been friends with a guy for a long while, he will probably entertain the idea of being with you.
I have, and still do think that if some of my gal-friends asked me out I would give it a shot. Me, and guys like me, would almost prefer this because we want to be in a relationship with a girl who can also be our best friend. However unfortunate it may be, not all guys are like me, but I can say that even if they aren’t and you are their friend, they would probably still consider dating you just because you are a girl.
In summary, you may not actually be friend zoned by these guys, and even if you are, all hope is not lost. To answer your question on how to tell whether a guy likes you or not: if he is spending any sort of long term energy on you then he probably is into you. That is, if he is spending money on you, or he is calling you or sending txt messages frequently; if you were to simply ask him to go somewhere then he would probably agree.
A way to show him that you’re interested in him without turning him off? The best advice I can give you is to be straight forward. While there is reward in both parties being coy and playing the relationship game, if you’re straight forward with him then there will cease to be any confusion. The number one problem here seems to be communication, remember that.
So I liked this guy and he liked me back. Stuff happened over break and I ended up texting him that if he didn’t like me that it was okay because I’m not the clingy type and he probably wouldn’t want to date me. He texted me back and was mad, because I think he wanted me to just say that I didn’t like him. When we got back to school he started ignoring me. I still want to be his friend, but it’s hard when he’s ignoring me. According to my friend, his best friend said that he just didn’t want me to like him. Why is he ignoring me? And why can’t guys be friends after stuff like this and breakups?
First of all, I’m sorry to hear that he is being so immature about this situation. There are a couple of reasons why he could be ignoring you. First of all, the fact that he wasn’t very honest with you up front about him not wanting you to like him is very sketchy and means he’s doing something very drastic.
For some reason in his mind you two just don’t mesh. It could have been friends that made him think this, that he likes some other girl or some other revelation. Normally when guys do that; when they blatantly ignore you, it’s not just for you: it’s for him too. He’s trying to disconnect you two ( less of a disconnection and more of a severing) because it’s easier to not talk to you than have to worry about having a relationship with you at all.
Guys can do this thing where they look at two possibilities in the future and when they have to make a decision between the two futures, the immature, but common thing to do is to pick one and then completely stick to it. They will cut themselves off from anything that would have led to the second option. You happen to be the second option.
The reason guys can’t be friends after is because they have the tendency to stick their heads in the sand like an ostrich instead of dealing with a situation. The fact that he let the information leak but didn’t tell you makes it so, in his perspective, you don’t exist anymore, so he can’t hurt you. The only thing you can do, if you truly still want to be friends with this guy is wait and give him a couple weeks, or a month or however long and then hit him up on Facebook or something. Otherwise find cooler, more mature guys, like me
What does it mean if I carpool with this guy to school everyday and he keeps giving me weird compliments like I have a hot bod, I’m the coolest girl, and he offers to buy me an ipod radio for the car and not make me pay him back. He is my boyfriend’s best friend and my good friend as well. What does this mean?
He digs you. Completely. He is so into you, but he doesn’t think that he has a chance right now. That can be seen in how forward he is with his compliments and what he is willing to do. He would probably never try to break up you and your boyfriend, but maybe so beware. He also probably thinks that he would be a better boyfriend than his best friend or he wouldn’t move in on his best friend’s girl.
I wouldn’t worry about it, but he definitely likes you, and not in a just friendly kind of way. He wouldn’t spend that much energy or money on you. I bet he would also say something along the lines of he’ll always be there for you, and if you and your bf ever get into a fight and he finds out I would be willing to bet money that you’ll get a text or Facebook message or something letting you know that he will talk it out with you.
I could be wrong about this, but I’ve seen this scenario and been a part of it myself too many times to not be right. You’re welcome.
Why do guys think girls are so confusing? I think we’re pretty simple. I don’t get it.
Do you think guys are confusing? I don’t. Girls and guys are living with two different paradigms on most everything. That’s why we think you’re confusing. Guys like straight forward information. We like to hear things like: “I like you,” “I would like this for Christmas,” “I would like to eat at McDonalds,” “Yes, I’m upset that you left the seat up again.” Instead we hear: “I think you’re the perfect guy,” “You don’t have to get me anything for Christmas,” “I don’t care where we eat,” and “Never mind.” Guys are simple thinkers: a + b = c. Whenever we’re dealing with girls there seems to be all these others variables shoved into the equation even though in our eyes it could still be solved with aforementioned equation. The best advice I can give you is to be completely honest. Guys generally hate playing relationship games. Tell us what’s on your mind; don’t make us guess. Because you make us guess, you make us think you’re confusing. Chances are we will never understand you, and you will never understand why. We should both just learn to live with it.
Do guys just seriously think about sex all the time?
Yes. It’s how we were made. That doesn’t mean that all of us always act selfishly on those thoughts. Just make sure you’re paying attention to whether or not a guy is interested in you in ways other than his animal instincts. Just because it’s very often in our thoughts, it’s not always what we actually care about. There’s a difference between always thinking about sex and only caring about sex.
How can you tell when a guy is trying too hard? Also, is it a bad thing when guys try to hard? I’m currently talking to this guy who sends me non-stop sweet texts but all my friends say he might just be trying to get in my pants. How can I tell if he’s being genuine?
This is a tricky question because it’s so specific and in the end it really depends on the person. Most guys who only want to get in your pants won’t waste their time bombarding you with sweet text messages. If they see a lot of work involved in their quest for sex, they will simply move onto the next random girl. If anything, a massive amount of texts means that he really likes you, or that he’s clingy (which is a whole different kind of problem). I truly doubt he’s just trying to get into your pants. My suggestion is to go out with him somewhere to lunch; talk face to face. It’s very easy to be someone you’re not, hiding behind technology; however, in person it’s a lot harder to fake your feelings. Also, if you’re worried about him trying to get into your pants, then don’t allow him to. My advice is to not put yourself in situations where you don’t have the upper hand until you completely trust the person. Clearly, no sex until you at least know that’s not all he’s after.
I want to give a guy I know likes me and I like him a big Hershey kiss for Christmas and say “For Christmas, I’m giving you a kiss.” Is this a good idea or too corny for the college aged realm? When do some things stop being cute?
Awwwwwww. Honestly it depends on the type of guy he is. If you both like each other then I’d be willing to bet you could probably answer this question better than I can. I believe that cute gifts are more desirable than the gift that you get him “just ‘cause.” It will at least make him chuckle, and is much better than getting him a sweater or some bracelet or something. Some things never stop being cute… just don’t give it to him around his friends. And since this won’t be published before Christmas, if you chickened out, reuse the idea for Valentine’s Day.
p.s. I like your style.
Is it okay if a girl asks a guy out or is it a huge turnoff?
Okay? It’s more than okay, It’s encouraged. It’s a great confidence booster for the guy, especially if he’s the shy type. My advice is to do it once. The only way it would be a turn off is if he doesn’t like you in the first place or if he’s the prideful sort of guy that would get annoyed by you repeatedly asking him out.. Therefore you’re only doing yourself a favor by asking him out once; you’ll either learn that he doesn’t like you, or will show him a very straight forward sign that you’re interested in him. A minor warning: ask him at a time and place where his friends are least likely to find out that you’re the one who did the asking; it comes back to the pride issue. Let’s face it, when it comes to the dating game, your biggest opponents are the sweeping generalizations of his friends (yours too if I had to guess).
What happened to chivalry? Why don’t guys open doors anymore or stuff like that? Is that so much to ask?
Chivalry? What’s that? I’m joking; I share your frustration. In no way is it too much to ask, and it still exists; you’re just searching in the wrong guys. I know personally that my friends and I are certainly chivalrous, and I see it elsewhere. Now the problem here is that chivalrous guys are no longer rewarded for being such. The kind of guys that are popular among the girls nowadays are known as douchebags. You know the type: loves to party, loves to flirt, and loves to mistreat you. Girls are unfortunately eating up this demographic. What happened to chivalry? Girls have conditioned guys to shy away from chivalry, and jump on the bandwagon of way-too-tight polos and arm pumping to bad techno.
Why are all guys jerks it seems? You’re probably a jerk too. I hate men. What’s wrong with them?
See my comment on the fall of chivalry. I hope I’m not a jerk; however, I’m a biased judge on that subject. If you hate men, perhaps you are playing for the wrong team? It’s rather important that you don’t hate someone before you can learn to like them, or ever hope of moving into a relationship with said person. What’s wrong with us is that we’re prideful, egotistical at times, usually aren’t aware of something unless it right in front of our faces, potentially insensitive to your needs, we think girls are confusing, we’re confusing, we think about sex all the time, we just want to get into your pants, we lack chivalry, etc… ( or at least that’s what I hear). If you want to fix us, follow the advice given on this page. You asked me a general question, and I give you a general answer. I am so not a jerk.
A reoccurring theme in this month’s questions is the negative feelings you girls have against us guys. Guess what, it’s your fault! Well, not your fault any more than it is mine that the guys you meet aren’t chivalrous. But honestly, just like I have to spend too much time looking for girls that aren’t into douchebags, you just have to spend the extra time looking for the guys that aren’t douchebags. The stereotypical college aged girl is ruining it for the rest of you, and the stereotypical, easily conditioned, college aged guy is ruining it for the rest of us. Please, don’t encourage negative behavior. Call us out if we’re not being chivalrous; tell us you would like it if we were more gentlemanly. Eventually maybe we’ll all get the message. The best thing you can do for yourself is be straightforward and honest with us. We don’t like to think too hard, remember?
Hope this helps somebody,
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REALITY Check Girl’s very own boy Troy will now be writing a monthly column to ease your guy-issue woes. Have questions? Email him at email@example.com!
Troy is a sophomore at University of Maryland majoring in Journalism. He enjoys playing his acoustic guitar and writing his own music. He also was a swimmer since around age 4.