Letters to the Fashion Fairy: Countering the Woes of Frump

By Christine Stoddard

Hey, Fashion Fairy,

I gotta problem. See, I dress too old. I mean, really old. When I look in the mirror, I see my grandma with younger skin. How can I counter the Woes of Frump?

Thanks a bunch.

-Clarissa

Dear Clarissa,

Let’s be nice to grandmothers, shall we? Some of them are remarkably classy and stylish. (Yes, I am referring to my own.) Just had to insert that P.C. statement so as not to offend our dear elderly. That being said, of course, most of us can picture exactly what you’re describing. Loose, ugly, awkwardly long skirts! Oversized sweaters with elastic waist pants! The terrors of socks with sandals! Where does it end?

Well, it ends now. Right this minute. Because you are too beautiful to suffer from…the Woes of Frump. God has given you some great features, even if you’re not always willing to see them. See them now and play them up. Analyze which colors and shapes suit you best. Many grandmas go for pastels because the color family is easy to coordinate and looks sweet. But do you really want to look like walking Easter basket all the time? Probably not, so put in a little bit more thought. What colors will bring out your eyes, hair, and skin tone? Personalize the dressing process with the right palettes. Then move onto shape.

The silhouette is one of the most important aspects of any outfit and certainly the most important in terms of flattering your figure. The right cut can make the most of an elegant neck, pretty arms, or shapely hips. The wrong cut can give you “bubble boobs,” chunky thighs, and cankles. Buyer beware? Definitely. That’s why shopping is an art you should never underestimate. Many grandmas go for loose clothes because they are comfortable. They also tend to be cheaper than well-tailored clothes. You don’t necessarily have to go a tailor. (Many high school and college gals would agree that a tailor’s out of their price range). Instead, search for clothes fit you properly! Jeans a size too big? Don’t be lazy and belt it up. Buy your size. You might still have a slight gap between your tummy and jeans but that’s an improvement over a gap several inches too wide. After you have purchased clothes that fit you correctly, it’s time to begin experimenting with outfits. Number one tip? Keep balance in mind. If you have on a looser top, modestly will allow you to wear tighter pants. With looser pants, you can go for a skimpier top. Don’t do all baggy or all clingy.

Lastly, switch up your shoes. Many grandmas have foot problems; at a young age, you probably don’t. That means no nurse shoes. Have fun! Throw on a pair of heels every once in a while. Just don’t become a stiletto addict, either. Satisfy yourself with cute flats and soft sandals, too.

So, to sum it up, you, Clarissa, must study the advantages of: color, silhouette, sizing, balance, and footwear. Save yourself money on a new wardrobe by going to a thrift shop or shopping with coupons. Farewell, Grandma!

Letters to the Fashion Fairy: High Heel Madness

By Christine Stoddard

Dear Fashion Fairy,

I’m tall. Really tall. And proud of it. It intimates a lot of guys, though, especially ones who might otherwise date me. I don’t really care, though. I figure the right guy will like my height. Until then, I’m going to celebrate my height on my own. My question is, should I celebrate my height in heels or flats? How do you feel about tall chicks in thick heels? Should I just let my natural height speak for itself?

Looking forward to your answer, Miss Fairy Lady, you.

Love,

Mary Beth
Nashville

Dear Mary Beth,

You’re tall and you’re beautiful. Thankfully you realize that. Sadly, not all girls and young women in your situation do. I didn’t.

As a child, I was unusually tall, surpassing the height of my adult teachers in elementary school. Heck, at nine years of age, I was taller than my fourth grade teacher. Awkward? You bet. I learned to accept it, though. I pushed back those shoulders and promised to maintain perfect posture. I started clunking around in heels, even if it meant giving me a three or four-inch boost I “didn’t need.” Some lady-folk choose to enhance their natural hair texture, skin tone, or eye color with superficial products: irons, self-tanner, contacts. Your height is just as much a part of your physical uniqueness as someone else’s gleaming eyes or bouncing curls are.

That being said, don’t be ridiculous. Seven-inch heels are never smart, no matter how tall (or short) you are. Unless you have an extreme costume for a special event or performance in mind, there’s no need to strap on extreme heels. Wearing anything more than four-inch heels or so will put you at an increased risk for bunions, calluses, corns, arthritis, and shortening your Achilles tendon. Besides that, you’re more likely to fall and twist your ankle in extra-tall heels. After a certain point, high-heels are no longer elegant…or intelligent.

Go with modest heels and you’ll feel both confident and comfortable. One to three-inch heels are probably best. If you’re planning on strutting around in more than three-inches, bring an extra pair of shoes. Place them in your purse or book bag so you can slip into your ol’ faithfuls when your feet start to hurt. Even if your feet don’t ache (lucky you!), you should never wear tall shoes all day. Your ankles, knees, and even your hips will suffer for it! Miss Fashion Fairy does not support slaving over fashion, no matter how alluring the idea may seem to you. Looks matter, but only to an extent. Your health takes priority.

Now go have fun with those shoes!

Always lovely and always yours,
The Fashion Fairy

Letters to the Fashion Fairy: Doing Your Prom Tresses

By Christine Stoddard

Dear Fashion Fairy,

How should I do my hair for prom? Just give me an answer. I’m stuck and the hundreds of pictures in prom magazines aren’t making it any easier to narrow down my choices.

Yours,
Helen

Dear Helen,

Oh, my! I know how easily fashion magazines (especially the ones dedicated solely to prom) can overwhelm a poor high school girl with hundreds and thousands of options. But I’m about to whisper some fairy magic into your ear: your hair is the least of your worries. Why don’t you fret over what your date’s breath might smell like instead? Ha. Joking, joking. Sort of.

What I mean is that, honestly, your hair will not make the night. It can only enhance it. Calm down and think about your prom as a whole. Of course you want to look lovely so you can whip out your photo album and show your future grandkids what a hottie you were, but shouldn’t you concentrate more on having fun with your friends and classmates for the last time before you all graduate? Make memories. Share good wishes. Dance ’til your legs fold under you. Laugh ’til you can’t even say your name. Eat a fantastic dinner. With a night that great ahead of you, you don’t have to look like a movie star to enjoy yourself.

Okay, enough of that and on to what you truly want to read:

You can go two routes. Either opt for a relatively simple dress and bada-bing hair OR relatively simple hair and a bada-bing dress. If you go all out on both, you’ll look far too busy. All outfits, even ultra-fancy ones, should have one bona fide focal point that draws all passersby to do a double-take. (Yes, including that guy you’ve had a mega-crush on since freshman year.) Consider this when shopping for prom shoes and jewelry, as well. If you decide on the long, sweeping fishtail dress with beads and lace, well, go for more subdued hair. If you go for a plain black cocktail dress, it’s time to pull out the hairspray, bobby pins, and braiding guides.

That being said, I prefer more natural hairstyles over fussy multi-step ones, but that’s just me. Fairies, after all, are born with perfect hair, so we don’t freak out about primping the way you dear mortals do. If you have great hair in terms of color or texture, flaunt it. Just wear it down, perhaps with a bit of glitter gel. If your hair isn’t quite so fabulous on its own, a classy up-do will look just fine. Bring your hair back, as if you were making a ponytail; then twist it into a rope and lay it vertically over the back of your head; and secure it with a pretty hair clamp. Pull out tendrils if you’d like. Done, after only a couple of minutes.

Knock ‘em out!

Yours,
The Fashion Fairy

Letters to the Fashion Fairy: Is it UGGly?

By Christine Stoddard

Dear Madame Fashion Fairy,

Be honest: can I wear Uggs with leggings? I have a big bet going on with a friend, so your answer’s really important in determining how much I can spend on Christmas presents this year!

Thanks,

U.G.G.L.Y.

Dear Miss U.G.G.L.Y.,

You can wear whatever you want, and I mean that sincerely. Even if it involves squashing a tarantula and plopping it on top of your head. As much as I sometimes wish I could, I cannot dictate what anyone else puts on in the morning. You have the freedom to choose, just as you have the freedom to choose what you eat, what you read, and what you like in general. That being said, however, I can make pointed suggestions. I’ll exercise my right to do just that right now.

Yes, wearing Uggs with leggings look good…under certain circumstances. Please, please, please do not wear leggings as plain pants, throw on Uggs and your college T-shirt, and call it an outfit. I disapprove of leggings worn like jeans, khakis, corduroys, or other regular pants, unless your top falls long enough to sufficiently cover your bum. (For further elaboration, read my response to the letter titled, “What are leggings anyway?”). Here’s an example of where the Uggs/leggings-as-pants combo works: leggings, Uggs, tunic, jacket, knitted scarf, subtle jewelry–all in the same color family. Another example: Uggs, leggings, super-long sweater, long pendant necklace, knitted hat. Here’s an extreme example of where the Uggs/leggings-as-pants combo makes me want to bury my face in my pillow and cry tears of misery: Uggs, torn leggings, cut-off/belly-bearing tank top, infected belly piercing–all in totally conflicting colors. Wow, just imagining that required me to wipe tears from the corners of my eyes. I beg of you ladies, never abandon the concept of ‘taste.’

On the note of taste, there are a couple other pretty ways to mix your Uggs with your leggings. Sadly for teeny-boppers, they still do not involve cut-off tank tops. Pull a mini-skirt over your leggings, preferably one that complements your Uggs. Solid-colored or tame patterns in tame colors generally work best. I don’t recommend pairing a “tropical splash” type skirt with Uggs; you might as well top it off with a Viking helmet and Madonna-esque jelly bracelets at that point. Here’s an example of an outfit I would support: fitted pale gray sweater, cameo necklace, lavender mini-skirt, cream leggings, light Uggs. If the idea of a mini-skirt makes you shudder, try a full-on dress instead–just keep it above the knee. A long dress competing with tall boots will crop your legs. Not literally, of course, unless you forgot to check what jawed creature started nesting inside of your Uggs. Another option is wearing a long coat over your leggings with your Uggs–just don’t remove the coat unless you have something to, ahem, cover your rump. A long, tweed pea coat with a black tee, gold necklace, black leggings, and camel Uggs would look lovely, for example.

Now run out and try out these creations! You might be pleasantly surprised by the new outfits you assemble, Miss U.G.G.L.Y.

Yours ’til the wand stops sparkling,
The Fashion Fairy

Letter to the Fashion Fairy: How Do I Make Trendy Clothes Look Good on Me?

By Christine Stoddard

Q: I always follow fashion blogs, read fashion magazines and and just admire people wearing pretty clothes. But for some reason, I feel like when I try something trendy on, even if it is a lot like what other people wear or even if I try to abide by the “rules”, I still do not look as pretty. The same clothes seem to look stunning on other girls but seem unflattering on me.

So I guess what I want to know is how to figure out if something will be flattering for my body type and such. I mean, I am not fat, I’d say I have a slender to average body. I weigh 115 lbs, but I’m short (which to me seems like a factor)–I’m 5′5. My skin tone is a type 4 (Olive/ “Mediterranean”) and I hate that I tan too easily so I feel like I can never wear dark clothes… I really don’t want to get stuck wearing jeans and plain clothes!

-Sarah, 18

A: Hey, Sarah! Thanks for writing in. First off, I’m excited to answer my first fashion advice letter! (Pause) Celebration over. Time to get to work! Let me start off by saying that you are by no means a hopeless case. Your fears and complaints typify what most girls and women of almost any age worry about when they buy new clothes or simply get dressed in the morning. But learn this: just because something is trendy does NOT mean you have to wear it. Seize the trends that suit you and reject the ones that don’t.

I know you said you don’t want to wear ‘jeans and plain clothes’ but ‘classic’ doesn’t have to translate into ‘boring.’ It doesn’t matter if you have on a simple sweater you’ve owned since seventh grade; what matters is how you combine all the elements of your outfit, from color to texture to fit to silhouette and more.

-Christine-

Q: Dear Madam Fashion Fairy,

I would like to know what’s going on with boys and their boxers. Is the recent trend of knee-high-waistbands a result of celebrity copycats, or because the manufacturers have come out with a new line of colorful undershorts that are just too unique to keep secret? Or have belts simply become larger in recent years and therefore unable to hoist the pants high? Dunno…been baffling me for awhiles

-Emily, 18

A: Dear Emily—thank you for voicing my same concern for seriously sagging pants. (I am going to read into your tone a bit for the purpose of asserting my own anti-baggy pants agenda. Sorry.) Like you, I totally disapprove of such publicly visible boxers. Anything more than the elastic strip at the top of the boxers should not be flaunted outside of private zones (house, hotel room, etc.) Super-sagging pants/uncovered boxers are unbecoming, indecent, and, quite frankly, kind of gross. I am not interested in strangers’ derrieres.

Now that I have ranted, let me actually answer your question with a bit of a tangent: first off, know that consumers, not designers create trends. Believe it. Anything you see in H&M or Wet Seal or Delia’s, for example, is there because American society chose it, not the fashion industry per se. The mainstream fashion industry studies a wide variety of factors, from social mores to politics to consumer color preferences and more to cast educated guesses about what people will like and, more importantly, buy. High-end designers then take that information to put together a garment and hopefully sell the style to the most elite levels of society. If the garment is popular with the ultra-wealthy, then designers gradually make more in different price ranges until you find at least the essence of the same style even in really tacky discount stores.

If people take something that already exists—like plain carpenter jeans and regular old boxers—and decide to wear it a new way, then designers will likely react by spotting the trend and bringing some novelty to it. If you’ve wondered why boxers come in all sorts of patterns and fabrics today, the answer is simple: the fashion industry certainly observed all of the young men pulling their pants down to their pelvises and exposing their undies. They found a way to cash in on that. Clever people, those fashion insiders.

Okay, okay, now I will finally REALLY answer your question. The baggy pants/exposed boxers trend apparently arose in prisons; male inmates interested in, ahem, sexual favors from their fellow jailbirds would pull their pants down a little as an invitation for “easy access.” (If that was too vague for your imagination, I implore you to sit down and think about it.) It eventually trickled outside of prison gates and into lower-class areas where many of the neighborhood’s men had served jail time. Soon enough, even guys completely removed from this socio-economic background (you know, upper-middle class white kids living in the suburbs) copied the style because, well, they thought it looked cool.

Oh, how I lament some people’s reading of the word “cool”!
-Christine-

Letters to the Fashion Fairy: Funky Punky and Boys showing boxers

By Christine Stoddard

Hey Christine,
I have a question for the Fashion Fairy: How does one dress PUNK? What are some staples, essentials, etc. to achieve this look? Please do not forget hair/shoes…Thanks!
-Wannabe Punk

Oh, dear–half of me is wary of answering this question merely to avoid sending a poser into the world. I hope that you acknowledge punk as a lifestyle, of which awesome fashion is only a tiny sliver. Because that’s exactly what it is. Of course, you can conceivably separate the two and deck out in punk goodies while driving an S.U.V., listening to Taylor Swift, and voting Republican without a question. I come from the school of thought that fashion means something, though. Every scarf, every strand of gelled hair should be symbolic. If you wear saris, for example, I’m interested in your literal or spiritual connection to the Subcontinent. If you’re donning a Rolling Stones T-shirt, feel free to tell me your favorite song and how it plays into your life.

That being said, I accept that how you dress and how you live don’t necessarily have to run parallel. Fashion is partially about dreaming you were someone or something or somewhere else, if only for a moment, after all. I’m just assuming that you wrote this question because you’re trying to belong to a world that isn’t yet yours, but maybe you wrote this question because you already embrace many punk ideals and need a visual way to express your beliefs. (I’m really crossing my fingers for the latter possibility). Either way, I’m going to shed light upon “staples, essentials, etc.” It’s up to you to experiment and decide what suits your figure, complexion, personal taste, and best communicates who you are and what kind of reality you hanker for.

So let’s start, shall we? Here’s my list of suggestions; it’s by no means comprehensive, but it should point you in a nice and subversive direction:

*The punkiest colors include black, gray, red, purple, navy & electric blues, forest green, florescent orange, sunshine yellow, hot pink, and white. Basically, neutrals, a few autumn colors, and neons. Buy solid T-shirts in as many of these colors as you can afford. Black, dark gray, or navy blue should always form the base of your outfit because they will match all the other colors. Black and red, black and hot pink, and black and purple are the color combinations most associated with punk, but don’t let this fact restrict you. It’s always wise to come up with color combinations of your own. Be pleasantly surprised by what you discover!

*Plaid is a “must” pattern for anyone wanting to emulate the punk style. If that sounds in any way limiting, it’s not. Plaid exists in all kinds of color combinations, though black and red is the most common and therefore most stereotypical. Purple and black or navy and black are other sound combinations. Ultimately, stick to a plaid pattern that goes with the other predominant colors in your wardrobe and fits your proportions. If you can only invest in one plaid piece, make it a saucy pleated skirt or a cool jacket/blazer. They are both versatile, will last a long time, and will match more things than, say, a plaid T-shirt. Another pattern you might try to achieve a punk air is checks, though it does not flatter all body types. Go for small to medium-sized checks as big ones tend to overwhelm small figures and make bigger figures look even bigger. Other sample punky patterns are leopard spots, zebra stripes, tiger stripes, dalmatian spots, skull & cross-bones, and the U.K. flag.

*Band T-shirts are one of the most affordable additions to your punk wardrobe, especially if you buy them at places like Salvation Army and Goodwill, which are not too surprisingly full of old tees. Overall, aim for artists active during the late 1970s through the early 1990s. Almost any 1980’s soloist or group will do, even if they are not strictly “punk.” The most important thing, though, is that you actually listen to that artist’s music; don’t embarrass yourself by having to admit you’ve never even heard one song by that group when a random stranger approaches you in the street. (Seriously, your face will turn redder than a pair of Cherry Docs.) Here are a few artists whose names you might want to display across your boobs: Iggy Pop and the Stooges, David Bowie, Talking Heads, Madonna, Prince, Michael Jackson, The Clash, Nirvana, The Cure, The Sex Pistols, The Ramones, Bikini Kill, No Doubt, The Police, and Adam and the Ants.

*Leggings and skinny jeans should be your main pants. Plain black, plain gray, and plain navy blue leggings will go with virtually anything, but feel free to have fun, too. Leopard print or plaid leggings, for instance, will definitely make you stand out in a crowd. Your everyday jeans can be standard blue, any shade of gray, or black. For a real tribute to the 1980’s, buy acid-wash jeans or bleach a pair of your skinnies yourself. You might also consider grabbing a pair in a radical color, like florescent yellow. Jeans with unusual patterns can be cute, but if you’re on a limited budget, I recommend looking for kitchsy leggings instead since they are cheaper. That way you can spend your money on plainer jeans that you can wear all the time instead of only ‘now and then.’

*We all know shoes can get pricey, so let me begin by saying all you really need are a pair of black flats and black/white Converse All Star style sneakers (plenty of knock-offs exist, if you’d rather not pay for the name-brand version). Extend beyond that at your own wallet’s risk. To splurge but still be safe, buy flats and Converse in multiple colors so you have matching shoes for every outfit. Perhaps you really want to go all-out. Then nab Doc Marten’s. Really any color will do, though black will match more than say, puke green. You might also purchase spiffy platforms, such as black ones with leopard velour trim. Skating sneakers are another option; Vans are always popular with the punk crowd. Tall black boots–heeled or flat, doesn’t matter–would make a sexy addition to your punky closet and will go with skinny jeans and many dresses. Any girl who likes a more feminine shade of punk should buy red or black Mary-Janes.

*Some kind of trademark jacket has to work its way into your closet, as well. The easiest to find will either be solid black (p)leather or denim. You can wear these jackets as they are or, in true D.I.Y. spirit, individualize them. Add zippers, change up the buttons, sew on patches, embroider a name, bleach/dye the fabric, stab the hem or collar with safety pins–it’s up to you. Even if you decide not to alter the jacket, make it your own by wearing it so often that it becomes your signature piece.

*Hair can be done several ways, depending on how outrageous you feel like going. I’m not a fan of mohawks, but I give intriguing fringes and asymmetry a thumbs up. Depending on the shape of your face and your bone structure, a pixie cut or a bob can either look gorgeous or disastrous. Be very selective about mullets, too. If you’re unwilling to cut your current hair, consider dying strips of it hot pink or bright blue or wild violet or berry red or bleach blonde. I have yet to see a convincing rainbow dye job, so I advise against it. No more than two colors at a time! You could also dye your whole head of hair black or eggplant or burgundy. Just remember to do your research before you go crazy with the dye. When self-dying, read the box instructions very carefully, choose a well-ventillated area, and never get the coloring in your eyes.

*Miscellaneous accessories include safety pins, dog collars, choker necklaces, men’s ties, fishnet gloves, decorative arm casts, “nerd” glasses, black nail polish, bandanas, fantasy/motorcycle pendants, and piercings. I personally prefer a more subtle punk look in which these accessories are kept to a minimum, but if you want to go more extreme, layer them on. Punk, more than many other fashion styles, is totally about you as the individual, so express yourself to the fullest. Just be careful at school and in the workplace, where more conservative attire is often necessary–unless your aim is to get kicked out or fired.

Dear Madam Fashion Fairy,

I would like to know what’s going on with boys and their boxers. Is the recent trend of knee-high-waistbands a result of celebrity copycats, or because the manufacturers have come out with a new line of colorful undershorts that are just too unique to keep secret? Or have belts simply become larger in recent years and therefore unable to hoist the pants high? Dunno…been baffling me for awhile.

-Emily, 18

Dear Emily—thank you for voicing my same concern for seriously sagging pants. (I am going to read into your tone a bit for the purpose of asserting my own anti-baggy pants agenda. Sorry.) Like you, I totally disapprove of such publicly visible boxers. Anything more than the elastic strip at the top of the boxers should not be flaunted outside of private zones (house, hotel room, etc.) Super-sagging pants/uncovered boxers are unbecoming, indecent, and, quite frankly, kind of gross. I am not interested in strangers’ derrieres.

Now that I have ranted, let me actually answer your question with a bit of a tangent: first off, know that consumers, not designers create trends. Believe it. Anything you see in H&M or Wet Seal or Delia’s, for example, is there because American society chose it, not the fashion industry per se. The mainstream fashion industry studies a wide variety of factors, from social mores to politics to consumer color preferences and more to cast educated guesses about what people will like and, more importantly, buy. High-end designers then take that information to put together a garment and hopefully sell the style to the most elite levels of society. If the garment is popular with the ultra-wealthy, then designers gradually make more in different price ranges until you find at least the essence of the same style even in really tacky discount stores.

If people take something that already exists—like plain carpenter jeans and regular old boxers—and decide to wear it a new way, then designers will likely react by spotting the trend and bringing some novelty to it. If you’ve wondered why boxers come in all sorts of patterns and fabrics today, the answer is simple: the fashion industry certainly observed all of the young men pulling their pants down to their pelvises and exposing their undies. They found a way to cash in on that. Clever people, those fashion insiders.

Okay, okay, now I will finally REALLY answer your question. The baggy pants/exposed boxers trend apparently arose in prisons; male inmates interested in, ahem, sexual favors from their fellow jailbirds would pull their pants down a little as an invitation for “easy access.” (If that was too vague for your imagination, I implore you to sit down and think about it.) It eventually trickled outside of prison gates and into lower-class areas where many of the neighborhood’s men had served jail time. Soon enough, even guys completely removed from this socio-economic background (you know, upper-middle class white kids living in the suburbs) copied the style because, well, they thought it looked cool.

Oh, how I lament some people’s reading of the word “cool”!