Getting Married Young: Advice from someone who did it

By Emily Herring Dunn

I know that I have my regular column entitled Married in College, but I thought it may be refreshing to write an actual article on being married young. After all, many of you may be nearing an age where you feel ready to be with that person whom you love.

My husband and I knew each other all through high school. Though we were friends and we were there to support each other through rough times, we were not romantically involved until our senior year of high school. In the first month of our freshman year of college, we eloped.

While this may seem extreme and not well thought out to many of you readers, we are still going strong and still feel like we did when we first started dating.

It’s not easy. Being married young is NOT easy. No matter how easy people may make it look on the television or through articles or books, it is not easy.

I think it’s and for people who got married young to admit the trials and tribulations they faced. Why? Because when you marry young you are automatically put into a category of concern. People do not understand why you couldn’t wait; if it’s so meant to be, why can’t the couple wait a few more years?

Everyone has their reasons, but being in a category that is so questioned these days makes it hard for younger couples to admit they’re struggling. Getting married young is typically viewed as a mistake to the outside world, so for those who got married young they have to stay strong and appear as though nothing is ever wrong.

OK, you may think that’s a little over the top. There are the few who look at young married couples with admiration and wish that they could do the exact same thing. Perhaps others have patience, perhaps others aren’t sure, or perhaps others wait because they don’t want to be seen as other young married couples.

I cannot speak for everyone. I can simply give you some pointers.

One: If you feel as though you are ready to be married, make sure you talk it through. Don’t just get up and get married because others are telling you not to, or because you want to prove people wrong. Those are NOT good reasons. Get married because you know it’s right, because you know you don’t want to wait another day to start your forever together. Don’t get married for sex. Talk everything through and make sure you are getting married for the right reasons.

Two: Look at your financial situation. One thing I do look back on and laugh at is that Clark and I were not ready financially. We were both college students and the only reason we had money is because I had quite a bit saved from babysitting the year before. Neither of us had “real” jobs, and we were trying to make it in school. If you’re going to get married, you need a support system—friends, family, finances. Clark and I didn’t have any of those, possibly because we didn’t tell anyone we were getting married. Make sure you have enough money to stabilize yourselves in the beginning—especially if you are both in college.

Three: Talk to others about it. Clark and I were concerned that no one else would understand. We told my roommate, a few close friends, and hoped for the best. The day we got married, we e-mailed both of our parents a long letter explaining why. While I know that their advice would have been full of questions of, “How are you going to,” “Don’t you think you should,” “You are far too young,” I think we could have handled it. I think we would have seen things we didn’t think about, and things we needed to wait on, but I know we still would have done it. Premarital counseling, I think, is important; though we didn’t go through it, I think it’s a good suggestion—especially if you’re young. You need to have someone else talk you through situations, point out the importance of communication, and so on. We didn’t get all of that until after we were married, and I think the first few months would have been a lot easier had we talked to our closest friends and family.

The times that we live in do not support young marriages. Women and men are supposed to go out and establish themselves on their own. However, I think that if you are ready—you’re ready. If you know, you know. No one else can make the decision for you, but I think it’s a decision that is not to be made lightly and should only be carried out if you are completely positive.

While my three pointers left out the most important in my opinion, I thought it would be best to end with.

The Most Important thing to Remember: Always put God first. In the relationship, you must remember that there is Someone who needs to come before your spouse. It should be God, each other, and then everybody and everything else. God is always first, and if He is not first in your relationship, then you need to rethink your decision. Clark and I struggled with God in the beginning because we were so enamored with each other that we seemed to forget Him. Talk to Him about it, pray about it… because only He can give you the right answer.

Marriage is one of the most important decisions you will make in your entire life. It doesn’t matter if you decide when you’re 18 or when you’re 65 as long as you’re sure it’s the right decision, the right person, and God is not going to be pushed aside for it.

I married at age 18. Now, at age 21, I look back and know that I would still make the same decision, with the same man, but I would tweak it just a bit. I would make sure we had the support systems, would make sure we talked to someone, and would enforce the most important thing to remember: that God was first in the decision.

It’s complicated, thanks to Facebook

By Michelle Golden

In today’s dating world, technology defines relationships. Sure, there is still a dating scene- but the definition of a relationship has been morphed through sexts, tagged Facebook statuses, and dedicated Taylor Swift lyrics in the form of away messages. While this new tech-savy Facebook has certainly helped many aspects of human interaction in the business world, the romantic hemisphere has unquestionably suffered.

Facebook has morphed from a small and private social media network site for specifically college students to becoming a tool for exploitation for the entire world. People can broadcast absolutely anything they want on Facebook for the whole “FB” population to view. Status updates allow people to say what’s on their mind and the Facebook profile as a whole allows people to mirror how they see themselves in everyday non-virtual life. A change in relationship status announces single-lady status, commitment, or swinger-status. People even fake relationships for reasons that can vary across the globe.

It seems like these days the meaning of “relationship” is only implied if it is made “Facebook Official.” If it’s not Facebook Official then the relationship hasn’t been taken to an appropriate level. But why is the Facebook relationship status so essential to modern day relationships and what does it exactly mean?

By being in an established relationship on Facebook, a social appearance has been made in cyber-space. Once the relationship status has been changed from “single” to “in a relationship” to “in a relationship with Jane Doe” news of such events have been plastered on the newsfeed of all 976 friends. This news ignites curiosity. People want to know the details after such news has been released to the Facebook community. And when a break-up occurs? Oh, you bet your butt people want to know what happened. Questions involving the five W’s will be flying from all directions. When Facebook just came out, people would KNOW exactly what time the Facebook break-up occurred. A broken heart used to be visible on everyone’s newsfeed as soon as Steve and Jill broke up. The concept is almost heartbreaking in itself. Is nothing even private anymore?

Not really. Nowadays, the dating scene has been pushed more and more towards sexual encounters at hotel parties rather than pure emotional attraction and then illustrated by drunken tagged pictures the next morning. Partygoers can expect to have new friend requests waiting in cyberspace even if it is at 3:28 am – moments after stepping out of the cab upon returning from the party. On Facebook, reality is, you can and will be found – one way or another. This can be followed by a dependency on Facebook to further pursue a possible relationship with last night’s hookup. It’s okay though, because everyone is doing it. No pun intended.

Although Facebook allows for social interaction, networking, and, of course, procrastination – it has also provoked jealousy. Years ago girls didn’t have any initial substantial proof of their boyfriends talking to other people of the female race because Mark Zuckerberg wasn’t born yet to invent the Facebook wall and honesty boxes. Before Facebook, we didn’t have the conscious need to keep looking. When there is a constant dependency to stay connected online and check out the significant other’s profile page, the sadness of it all is that the real relationship has never been so disconnected. Just a few years ago, relationships were more natural because people actually had to spend real time getting to know someone by talking and engaging in an in-depth conversation. Nowadays, do we even know what it is like to get to know each other face-to-face?

With that being said, is Facebook the new homewrecker? The relationship buster? The cheating ex-boyfriend? A study published in the CyberPsychology & Behavior Journal analyzed the effect of Facebook use on the romantic relationships of college students. The study claimed, “Increased Facebook use significantly predicts Facebook-related jealousy in romantic relationships.” The more time spent clicking, browsing, surfing on Facebook, the more likely jealousy-related feelings and behaviors will be ignited.  There is so much information that can be found on Facebook – whether it is the friending of the opposite sex, writing on the opposite sex’s wall, or being tagged in pictures with the opposite sex. The more information readily available at a partner’s fingertips and the more time spent on looking through this information, the more likely jealousy is in the air. However, as with anything, it is up to the individual personality. If trust is an issue, it is a personal issue – just so happens that the technology is an enabler of such personality issues. Don’t let this be you.

Facebook is brilliant. It connects people from all over the world and maintains, sustains and rehashes new and old friendships. But when an emotional relationship is heavily reliant on Facebook to provide information, Facebook’s users have taken the site too far. So how about we all do ourselves a favor? Let’s get off our ex-boyfriend’s profile; our new love interests posts from 2008; and our crush’s photo albums with the sorority girls. Why don’t we actually logout and spend some quality time with our significant others and embrace the moments? What it comes down to is that sometimes the connection two people have on Facebook is all that the relationship is based on. If boy knows everything about girl and girl knows everything about boy after spending hours clicking and clicking and staring at a computer screen reading posts from exes and old hook-ups from months or even years back, there is no point to the relationship.

Creative (and fun) date ideas

By Emily Raush

Tired of the typical “dinner and a movie” type dates and wish you had creative, unique ideas? Here’s a list of 26 dates (one for every other week of the year) that will make great memories!

1. This “signature” date is not what you’d normally think of. Who says you have to live in Hollywood to have a t-shirt full of signatures? Have all of you and your guy’s friends sign your very own t-shirt so that in 20 years from now you can look back and reminisce about the “good old days!”

2. Enjoy a fast-food restaurant regressive-progressive dinner. Start with dessert at one place, then drive to another restaurant and order just fries, next have just a sandwich, and if you’re still hungry after that, go for a salad!

3. Rainy day? Make a pop-up book about the story of your relationship. Be sure to include how he asked you out, your favorite memories, and any inside jokes you have together.

4. Believe it or not, you’re not too old for a dance party! Search YouTube for “how to’s” on different styles like salsa or swing and have fun laughing at each other’s craziest moves.

5. All you need for this date is a quarter and a car with gas. It’s called the head-tails driving adventure. Start driving and, when you get to the first intersection, flip the coin. If it lands on heads, turn right. If it lands on tails, turn left. Continue doing this for each intersection and see where you end up! Okay, maybe you should bring a map too, in case you get lost.

6. Go ice skating. Even if you’re terrible, it gives you a good excuse to hold hands!

7. In the mood for something more athletic? Take iPods and run to a nearby store, where you can sit and talk for awhile before heading back. If you get tired, remember, working out will make both you and your guy look better for the upcoming swimsuit season!

8. Go on a Dollar Store raid and each of you commit to spending $5 on the other. Talk beforehand about whether to buy stuff you’ll actually like or something for a good laugh.

9. Don’t want to spend any money? Take a trip to your local zoo! There will be more than enough adventures for the two of you to enjoy there.

10.  If that’s not adventurous enough for you, try “letterboxing.” There are boxes hidden by people around the country with clues to find them. Google it for the official website!

11.  Buy an inexpensive tie-dying kit at a local craft store and tie-dye shirts to wear together.

12.  Make “the list” of your future date ideas (feel free to include these)! If you want to get more creative, you could even make a mini-scrapbook with pictures of these ideas. As you complete each date, make sure to check it off of your list. Keep adding more ideas!

13.  Make a list of your life goals! Research what you want on your “bucket list” and then hang it in your room to remind yourself and encourage each other to fulfill those dreams.

14.  Go hiking. Be sure to bring along a picnic lunch of you and your date’s favorite foods.

15.  Have a karaoke night competition to see which one of you is the worst singer.

16.  If you really don’t want to humiliate yourself singing, you could always have a song guessing competition. Put your iPod on shuffle, and the first to shout out the title wins!

17.  Set aside a day to choose each other’s outfit and give suggestions on how to do their hair.

18.  Go on a hunt to find random objects that are shaped like letters of the alphabet. Take pictures of these things and then edit them into collages that spell out your names!

19.  Love pictures? Have an exclusive photoshoot! For pose ideas, look on store websites.

20.  Invite your friends to join you in a scavenger hunt around your town. Each couple can be in their own car and have a list of clues they have to complete. Some of these activities can include getting a brochure from a certain store or taking a picture of a landmark.

21.  Walk somewhere together. The catch is, though, you can only turn left. Right is not right. Crazy? Yes, but you’ll be sure to laugh!

22.  Play mini golf blindfolded. Have your guy help you line the golf club up and tell you in which direction to hit it.

23.  Make jello. But don’t eat it right away. Have a jello fight first!

24.  Videotape yourselves starring in your very own music video.

25.  If your guy wants to do something more “manly,” go paint balling! If you don’t like the idea of getting pelted with paint, tennis or ping pong are other fun (and cheap!) options.

26.  Add a spin on making dinner together by taking a cookbook and flipping to a random page. Decide that whatever you turn to, you’re going to cook, whether you like it or not!

Hopefully these tips will keep you occupied for awhile! Feel free to post a comment if you have any creative ideas of your own or want to share your thoughts about these ideas. Enjoy them!

He cheated. Now what?

by Michelle Golden

You thought you were head over heels in love. You drew little hearts with a permanent sharpie all over your binder. You had a whole Facebook photo album (or two or three or maybe actually six) devoted to your one and true love. Everyone knew you were definitely off the market when you flashed that promise ring he gave you. But now rumor has it he cheated. So after going to his house, confronting him, shoving a box at him filled with old pictures, just printed pictures, the jewelry box he got you filled with even more pictures, and the teddy bear you named “Scuffles” – you slap him. Typical movie scene. Then you find yourself crying in front of him when he is wrapping his arms around you begging for just one more chance. You think back to the summer when things were perfect. When you are just about to give him another chance, there’s a little voice in the back of your head shouting “no.” And that voice, my friends, is: me. I’m no expert, but here’s what you got to do to kick the jerk out of your life – and move on.

Step #1: Hate Him…Not…Her

As much as you want to hate the (insert any word you want here)…I mean…girl, you shouldn’t – at least not to the same extent. Remember, HE cheated therefore HE was the one who was unfaithful to you. True, if she knew you were in the picture, she was wrong and totally needs to get her morals straightened out. At the same time, she was not the one who would look you in the eye and say, “I love you” or “You mean everything to me, baby” (trust me, we’ve heard it all) and then cheat on you that very night. Hatred towards the girl comes from jealousy – which is a trait we should all steer clear from. We often think, “What does she have that I don’t?” The answer is: nothing. Her brain is most likely half the size of yours. Her teeth are a mustard-yellow color and her mascara runs down her eyes making them look raccoon-like. Okay, so you’ve already stalked her Facebook pictures. You’ve been given that right. Bottom line: Jealousy often leads to becoming a very angry and bitter person. The truth is, stuff happens and things aren’t always meant to be. Look at yourself in the mirror and tell yourself you are so much prettier because you will never be the other woman.

Step #2: Cry Me a River

Justin Timberlake couldn’t have sung it better. Make a playlist of all (and I mean ALL) the songs that remind you of your ex-boyfriend. Title the playlist “The X Factor” (if you come up with something better, let me know) and then play each song one by one and listen to each. Be sure to keep a box of Kleenex beside you just in case and get into comfy clothing so you can curl up in the fetal position if necessary. Cry until you get so tired of hearing yourself wail that you will eventually want to shut off the music. Sure this sounds depressing, but getting the crying over with is better than prolonging it by keeping all the emotions bottled up inside. Look at the brighter side of things: Now that you know he cheated, you can go after his best friend (who is much, much cuter and has better taste in music.

Step #3: Let it go

Once you have broken up with the cheating jerk and after you’ve cried the Atlantic Ocean, let it go. Don’t try to uncover your hidden folder that’s located somewhere in a folder within a folder on your computer desktop. Stop sending him text messages and answering his phone calls. If he hasn’t been calling you, don’t start calling him. Think about the breakup as if it were a facial. It is a good thing. The facial is meant to get the greasy dirt out of the pores, to relax muscles, and to reduce future blemishes. Likewise, the breakup is a chance for you to start fresh, to feel clean of any dirty residue with the ex and to be able to start over with someone else when the time is right. If a facial is needed for this to happen, then so be it.

Step #4: Know Your Limits

Some people need as little as two weeks to get over a heartbreaking relationship. Others may need two months or even two years. Don’t freak out just yet. If you aren’t ready to get back into the whole dating scene, then don’t. No rush, no worries. Breaking up and getting over someone is also a chance to learn about YOU. What do you do for fun that makes you happy? Whether it is painting, writing, or playing a chord or two on the guitar, perhaps you haven’t paid much attention to these hobbies because of the relationship you were in. Now is a great time to get back into the swing of things and do what you do best. But maybe you’re the “get over someone by getting under someone else” type. If so, it is always good to be careful and to understand that if things don’t work out with Heartbreaker #2, you should do whatever it takes to not crawl back to Heartbreaker #1. He’s still the bad guy. Take time for yourself, because, if you aren’t happy with who you are then how can you ever be happy with someone else? Thank you Hallmark.

Once you get past the first few stages following a breakup, you begin to realize that you do deserve better and that cheating is for losers anyway. Like a “Holiday Barbie” you will be back on the market sooner than you know and eventually you’ll look back on things and wonder,
“What the @#$% was I thinking?”

You can thank me later.

P.S. I Love You: how to say those three little words

By Lauren Foster

Ill with fever, I spent Friday night vegging out on the couch while my friends were out celebrating  a 21^st birthday. As I sat wallowing in self-pity, my negative thoughts were interrupted by the Dear John trailer. My attention quickly moved to Amanda Seyfried’s character alleging, “Two weeks together, that’s all it took, two weeks for me to fall for you.”

These words reverted my train of thought to the exact event I was trying to avoid thinking about; the night before, my recent romantic interest had done it—he’d said the three words that change a relationship forever, the three words you can’t take back.

We’d been watching T.V. and he said, “Lauren, I know we haven’t been seeing each other that long, but I love you.”

Shocked and uncomfortable, I stuttered, “I…I…love…this show!” This was obviously not the response he was looking for, but we had only been seeing each other for a month! I definitely didn’t see him dropping the L-bomb anytime soon, and now I was left to deal with the aftermath.

Unlike in the movies, saying “I love you” is not always a perfect, romantic moment. In fact, it is quite nerve-racking.  When is the right time to say, “I love you”? How soon is too soon? Who should be the first one to say it? This little phrase pack a whole lot of punch; so how does one get the desired three-word response in return, and not, “Let’s break up”?

Timing is everything. There is no set timetable for expressing sentiments of love. Some people wait three months, while some feel comfortable saying it early on in the relationship. However I caution you from saying it on the first couple of dates. If you come on too strong it may scare your partner away, as well as make your partner wonder if you say it to everyone you date. I urge you to take it slow and consider the state of your relationship. Do you know your partner’s likes and dislikes? Do you introduce each other as boyfriend/girlfriend? Saying “I love you” will intensify the relationship, but it is important to keep in mind that too much too soon will doubtlessly end in burnout.

Mean it. The phrase may mean more to some than to others, but this is no excuse to use and abuse it. Don’t say it because you think it’s what the other person wants to hear, or because you want to feel needed. The words can have a great impact so it’s best to avoid saying it for the wrong reasons, and reserve it for when it conveys genuine emotion.

Take a Risk. The great debate about who should say “I love you” first remains controversial. Being the first to express these emotions is scary and puts one in a vulnerable position. But, whether you are a man or woman, it is best to not get caught up in gender roles and simply say it when you feel it. Rejection can be scary, but that’s the thing about a leap of faith—you can fall or you can fly.

Saying “I love you” escalates the state of any relationship. But, there is no exact formula for figuring out when the “right” time is to say it; the ideal time truly depends on the couple. Keep in mind when deciding whether or not to express your love that you should say it for no other reason than to verbalize a genuine emotion. Finally, don’t hold back; life is too short to not tell the person you love how you feel. Don’t let conventions or fear of rejection deter you from expressing your feelings. Life isn’t predictable, and sometimes you get dealt a bad hand, but in the end, if you’re lucky, you just might be holding the Queen of Hearts.

That Kind of Girl

by Megan Hussong

I am that kind of girl. The kind that spends an hour painting miniature pink hearts on each fingernail. The kind who channels her inner Celine Dion in the shower. The girl who can’t resist dropping $2.50 for giant “I ♥ U” shaped cookie cutters.

Yep. I’m a romantic, and I celebrate holidays to the brink. I distinctly remember Valentines Day in 8th grade. You know that age – the age when friends get their first serious boyfriends, when giving cards to classmates becomes outdated, and when “real” Valentine’s Day gifts start counting. It’s also the time when not having a boyfriend makes you feel completely out of the loop.

But I had a remedy – Valentine’s Day was not going interfere with my fun. So I painted those hearts on my nails. I wore a red shirt, crafted cards for my parents, and made a V-day themed lunch. I exchanged candy with my friends at school and pushed thoughts of boys out of my head. Then the girl at the locker next to mine received a big bouquet of roses from a secret admirer, and that was the end of my happy little bubble. At some point in every girl’s life, a similar situation contributes to a less-than-stellar Valentine’s Day.

To all the ladies who relate all too well – just hold on! Please don’t put too much stake in Valentine’s Day. It only creates disappointment. Instead, take the day for what it is worth: a fun holiday and an excuse to eat great candy. So make those Valentines. Tell your parents how much you love them. Hide a surprise in your best friend’s purse. Whatever you do, don’t let cynicism trump romanticism. It might not be this year. It might not even be in high school or right away in college.

But someday, your dream will happen. You will find the guy who makes you feel beautiful every single day. It will be the guy who takes you to your favorite restaurant, just because. Every day will feel like a holiday because he loves you so much.

Valentine’s Day doesn’t define the meaning of love – it’s simply an opportunity to showcase it.

Ten Ways to Beat the Valentines Day Blues

By Emily Raush

So, it’s February. This is the month that could be the best month of your life, or the worst. It’s one of those times when you’ve been totally fine without a boyfriend, until now. You just wish that for one Valentine’s Day you could actually get a box of candy hearts from someone other than your six-year-old brother. Since when did Valentine’s Day turn into “flower-giving, chocolate-eating day?” Why don’t we turn away our focus from the latest gossip of Angelina Jolie’s and Brad Pitt’s relationship, or what your best friend’s cousin’s boyfriend bought for her, and instead turn our attention to what Valentine’s Day is supposed to be about: love.

If you’re dating that special someone…

1). Take the time to write him a heartfelt letter about how much he means to you and specifically what you like about him. Maybe it’s the way he makes you feel valued, or how he has the ability to make you laugh so easily. If you can’t think of what to write, take apart 1 Corinthians chapter 13 and focus on how you see each attribute (patience, kindness, etc…) being demonstrated in his life.

2). Here’s a little secret…guys actually like thoughtful gifts every once in awhile! If college has swallowed up all of your money and you’re running low on cash, who says you can’t go back to the good old days of homemade coupon booklets? These coupons could be for many different types of things: from his favorite home-cooked meal prepared by you, to a date night of doing something he would enjoy (see number three).

3). For your next date, give up your weekly trip to the mall. Instead, offer to do something you know your guy will enjoy. If he’s a sports fan, maybe this means cheering for his favorite team together. If he’s into cars, you might want to help fix an engine (good luck if it’s freezing outside!). If he’s a music guy, you could write a song together. Whatever he chooses, try to genuinely enjoy it; this will show that you truly care about your guy and not just what he does for you.

Whether you’ve got a boyfriend or are still waiting for Mr. Right, you can…

4). Host a “single ladies” girls’ night at your house. Watch a marathon of the latest chick flicks after stocking up on the extra-butter popcorn. And the chocolate. Maybe some ice cream, too.

5). Make a list of your dream guy. Is he respectable? Trustworthy? Passionate about his faith? Remind yourself of the qualities you’re looking for, and choose not to settle for anything less.

6). Do something that you enjoy. Paint your toenails a bright color or snuggle under the covers to read a good book. Another great way you can feel good about yourself is to exercise regularly.

7). Pick up a new hobby. Try cooking or photography. Not only could this be a fun activity for you now, it also could help you be a better wife someday if that’s what God has in store for you!

8). Perform a random act of kindness for someone. This could mean paying for the lunch of the person behind you at a fast food restaurant or offering your neighbors a night of free babysitting.

9). Let your family know you appreciate them. Show your parents that you are willing to help them without even being asked, or let your siblings beat you in their favorite board game.

10). Spend some time with your Creator. After all, He is your number one valentine! Thank God for what He has done for you and find ways to glorify Him in every area of your life.

No matter what you do, just don’t let the February blues get to you. Instead of being upset that you don’t have a Valentine or being disappointed by the expectations you had for a better gift, use this month to learn more about what love is truly about. Become the woman that God has created you to be.

Waiting rather than Labeling: Listen to your gut about relationships

By Hannah Henderson

As we walked down his street, I couldn’t tell if he was serious, or just joking. Had he really just asked me to be his girlfriend after only a few weeks of talking? I asked, just to clarify, that when he said “Will you go out with me?” that he really meant “Will you be my girlfriend.” When he responded yes, I was awe struck. I mean, I liked this guy, but it was just too soon. I eventually told him exactly what was on my mind, that I didn’t want to rush into things, that I just wanted to take it slow and get to know him better before we put a label on our relationship, and he seemed to understand.

We had been texting for the past two weeks nonstop every day before he asked me, and he would compliment me and tell me I was beautiful and some of the things he would text me would make me look twice; he would just say the sweetest things. But it was almost repetitive. Every night he would say to me “Goodnight beautiful and sweet dreams J,” and don’t get me wrong, for the first couple of nights, I got butterflies, thinking to myself how amazing this guy was, then after a while, it was just like I was expecting it, like it wasn’t spontaneous anymore. The same goes for the compliments. I almost felt like he was complimenting me too much, and I wasn’t getting that same feeling in my stomach when I read the text anymore. It just wasn’t the same.

The day after he had asked me, he texted me and we started talking normally, then I brought up the incident that had happened the day before. I wanted him to understand exactly why I said what I had said, and although saying it over texts seems cowardly, I felt like I needed to tell him ASAP; I didn’t want to play with his feelings if this was what he really wanted. I at least owed that much to him. I tried to make sure that this was what he really wanted. He assured me that I was different from the other girls he had dated (which only lasted for a week or two) and that he had never felt like this fast for a girl before. But I wasn’t convinced. I just didn’t know him well enough, especially considering that when he had asked me, it had only been our third time hanging out together.

I remember when I was younger, and all I could dream about was that moment, when the boy that I liked would ask me to be his and no one else’s, but the truth is, it was really up to me when I wanted to become committed. In my case, I didn’t feel comfortable enough with him, I felt like I barely knew him, and I’m so happy with my decision because after spending more time with him, I realized that he wasn’t the one that I wanted to be with.

All I’m saying is to just give it a little bit of time before you really dive right into things. I know it sounds cliché, but there are plenty of fish in the sea, and you can’t just settle for the one who makes you feel alright. Wait for the one who sweeps you off your feet and makes you get butterflies in your stomach. Those are the people that you can say you truly want to be with.

REAL Relationships Don’t Leave You Feeling Trapped

Photo by Nikki Roberti

by Katelyn Stark

Dependence verses desire. Control verses commitment. To feel trapped in a relationship or to really be in love.

How do we know, as women, what an appropriate relationship is? When does a relationship go from desiring to be with a man, to becoming completely dependent on him? We are taught false ideas of what a ‘normal’ relationship should be through movies, television programs, and even our favorite books.

It leads to the question, ‘what is it meant to be loved?’ What are the different ways that women are loved, or lusted after, by men, and how do the differences of their actions impact our lives? Girls feel beautiful when they are loved correctly. A relationship should lead into a partnership, one that encourages and strengthens the other. On the other hand, a relationship should not lead someone into a complete dependency and a string of manipulations and control.

It breaks my heart to watch one of my closest friends lose control of her life and of her actions to the hands of a boy who does not love her they way she should be loved. He uses mind games of insults and different ways to bring her down so she thinks she can do no better than him. He makes himself superior and dominates the relationship so she will do anything he asks. He uses sex as a reason to stay with him instead of it being a beautiful expression of love. He puts his claim on her and has her so beat down emotionally that she cannot find an escape in sight.

Ladies, that is not love. That is a trap and a sad reality for many young girls, and even older women. There is in no way a partnership has been created through them being together, and now her head is filled with skewed ideas of what it is meant to be loved.

However, I have had been so incredibly blessed to experience what true love is like, and because I am unable to share this with my friend because she is so deep in this boy’s mind control, I wish to share this with you, so you can maybe see what a healthy relationship could be like.

I was seventeen when I fell in love. It was the head-over-heels, I-found-the-one-I’m-going-to-marry kind of love. And a reason why I think I fell in love so quickly is because I was courted. I was sought after and pursued. A man took the time to make me feel beautiful and worthy. Before that time I had never had someone taking the time to do this for me.

Throughout the relationship we both learned what it meant to be in love, and how it was not just an overwhelming rush of emotion, but instead it was a choice to love each other and commit to each other daily. It took a combination of commitment and desire to work at the relationship.

However, I never felt trapped. I was with this man because he treated me kindly, with respect, and lovingly. I was never threatened by him or put down by his words or actions. Instead of using mind control to keep me to stay with him, he never stopped pursuing me, and daily made me feel loved and beautiful. He made me want to be a better person and he never once tried to hold me back from my dreams or desires in life. I was never pressured to do something that I didn’t truly want to do, if that were sexually or decisions I made in life.

I felt loved when he forgave me. I was loved when he asked for forgiveness. We were a team, a partnership that was based on trust, loyalty, and a choice to be with each other.

So ladies, don’t settle. Don’t put up with adequate. Set your standards high and establish that you will not be tolerated to be treated like a toy doll. Wait for someone who will pursue you and make you feel beautiful. Be with someone who will love you like Jesus does. Be a woman of love, empowerment, and strength; not one of submissiveness and passivity.

Love Worth Emulating

by Joy Elizabeth Smith

Repeatedly in Scriptures, one common theme is overlooked. This could be out of selfishness, or just convenience, but it seems that we can never quite grasp how much love we are supposed to be sharing.

Proverbs 17:9 (NLT) says “Love prospers when a fault is forgiven, but dwelling on it separates close friends.”

Everyone has something about him or her that is obnoxious. You might always drop your fork, chew the ends of pens, or smack on gum. What it is, we all have faults and habits that bother other people.

One of the keys to making God’s love abound in us is choosing to look past those faults, and to see and accept and love the person with them.

When we let the small things start to get to us, it affects our relationships with those around us.

I Peter 4:8 also hits this point home, “Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.”

When you love someone, you are not looking for the faults and the shortcomings. When you love someone, you look past that, through that, to the heart of the person.

Another great verse from Proverbs is found in chapter seventeen, verse seventeen: “A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity.”

There are going to be times in your friendship when it is not easy to love the other person. They might be depressed, angry, or lashing out. They could be making poor decisions or choosing to live a life that is not biblical.

Regardless of the reason, to let that dampen your love for your friend goes against Scripture.

God gave us friends to help us along the way, not to drift in and out of our lives according to our moods. In Ecclesiastes it talks about how when you have a friend, and one man falls, the other is there to pick him up and help him along.

1 John 3:18 “Dear children, let us not love with words or tongue but with actions and in truth.”

This verse proves a truth that is not widely taught or accepted.

Love, despite what the media and Hollywood tells you, is not an emotion or a feeling.

There is no tingly sensation occurring in your chest that you can pin down and label “love.” Love, in its purest form, is a choice of action. Emotions fade and feelings will disappear much more quickly than you realize, but love is a choice.

When people talk about “falling in love” they are CHOOSING to love that person, just as when they talk about “falling out of love”, they chose to move on and to not commit themselves any longer.

Found in the “love chapter” of the Bible, I Cor 13:4-7 reads, “Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud 5 or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. 6 It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. 7 Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.”

Patient. Kind. Not jealous. Not boastful. Not proud. Not rude. Not demanding. Not irritable. No grudges. Just. Diligent. Faithful. Hopeful. Enduring.

How many people can look at that list and be able to completely exemplify every single one? No one but Christ.

That is the kind of love we are commanded to show to the world. God does not expect perfection, but He does expect effort.

When you are in a fight, do you become bitter? Already, you are not in accordance with this passage. What about PMS? Irritability was included in this list for a reason. Living out this kind of love takes effort and purpose.

I think the epitome of love can be found in John 15:13, “Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends.”

Love is a selfless choice that you make every single moment of every single day. The ultimate display of God’s pure and untainted love is Christ’s crucifixion, the giving of His life for yours. The most that we can possibly do in response to such an act of love is to live our lives for Christ, which means loving God and loving others.

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